A little thought…
Earlier on facebook I did a quiz about 2009. This question cropped up..
” Has your life changed at all within this year? “
To which I answered
“Yes. In many ways. In fact I haven’t felt like myself for the last year really. I am pretty sure some of the people I have met this year, don’t even know the real me, as I haven’t been myself at all through the year.”
This lead me to think about why I haven’t been myself. And whilst I know that myself I know you guys don’t have a clue what i’m on about.
For the last 12 months, I have not felt like myself at all. I have acted differently, done things I never would usually of done, became scared of my own shadow and not to mention my ridiculous mood swings.
I know and understand fully what is “wrong” with me, and what I need to do in order to help myself. It all stems down to something which happened 2 Years ago today. I will not go into what this was on here, but i’m sure if I ever get the chance, or get brave enough to I will tell some of you in person soon if you want to know.
I now understand why people go off round the world for a year to “Find themselves”. That is exactly what I need to do. Something new is in order, a real change in my life to help me find myself.
Right now for me, it is not about a fresh start, it is not about putting the past behind me, it is not about forgiving, forgetting or a new beginning… It is about getting my life back.
The life which was excited, fulfilled, happy, outgoing, not afraid to look people in the eyes, who walked with his head held high, who was proud of who he was and who had a future.
You may say “Well people change”… Yes they do. But this is in effect my fault as to why my own brain has been sucked into a complete circle of darkness which terrifies me every night when I go to sleep.
I will leave this here otherwise I would mutter for hours. But if you met me this year, or got annoyed by my actions, or hated who I was.. then I am sorry. Sorry for not being myself.
